| Jokes |
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The doctor called Mrs. Cooney over and gave her the news. "I'm afraid your husband has a very serious illness. In fact, it might be fatal.
There are two things you have to do to save his life. First, you'll have to fix him three home-cooked meals a day for the rest of his life. And second, you'll have to make love to him every day without fail."
"I'll break the news to him myself," she said.
Stepping across the waiting room to her husband Mrs. Cooney announced, "Guess what, Cooney. You're gonna die!!" |
Question:t's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
Answer You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Question What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Answer The jewelry.
Question: How can you tell when your lead singer is at your door?
Answer: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in.
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| A viola player dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he is handed a beautiful new viola and invited to play in the Orchestra of Heaven, a rehearsal of which is about to begin. He enters the hall and beholds the largest orchestra he has ever seen -- 496 violins, 432 violas, 269 cellos, 147 double basses, 18 flutes, 15 clarinets, 12 oboes, 11 bassoons, 8 horns, 6 trumpets, 3 trombones,... and a tuba. He takes his place as the 433rd violist, and then the conductor comes out--and it's God himself. He picks up the baton and begins conducting, and the most wonderful sounds the violist has ever heard come pouring out of the orchestra. Suddenly, God looks right at the new violist, who begins to cower. God leans forward menacingly, points his baton right at the by now terrified violist, and shouts... "Trombones, too loud!" |
One afternoon, Sir Adrian Boult was conducting a program of contemporary music, one of the items being a work by the composer X. The rehearsal had been going on for some time when Mr. X himself arrived, sat in the hall, and listened to the music for a while, showing increasing signs of restlessness and irritation. In the end he stood up. "Sir Adrian," he called out, "Sir Adrian, could you PLEASE take it a little quicker?" Sir Adrian Boult peered out into the hall. "Ah, Mr. X," he said, "Yes, certainly, we can take it quicker if you wish. But you do realize that we haven't come to your piece yet, don't you?"
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| An ill wind that no one blows good. |
| someone who hangs around with musicians. |
Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist, the third a musician! The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive, and when thrown a bunch of milk bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations! "Pretty good!" said the researchers, "but not conclusive!" The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of milk bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas! "Not bad!" said the researchers, "but still not conclusive enough!" However, the results of the third dog WERE very convincing in proving that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners... for the musician's dog... came late, ate all the bones, made it with the other two dogs, then left early!
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A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... (no that's not the joke)... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band. "Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!" "Yeah," Duke replies, "it's okay." The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!" Duke replied, "Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings.
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A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist. "what's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, " I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
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| Fritz Kiser and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kiser got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?" Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!" |
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