| Jokes |
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You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"!!!
As we aren’t got no programming experience, this here Virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
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1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
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They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
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1. Describe your problem:
________________________________
________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________
________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________
________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes __
No __
7. Is it turned on?
Yes __
No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes __
No __
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you?
Yes __ No __
11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes __
12. Have you read the manual?
Yes __ No __
13. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Maybe __ No __
14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual?
No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think
you understood it?
Yes __ No __
16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
________________________________
________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
________________________________
________________________________
l8. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
________________________________
________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes __ No __
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
Yes __ What's a VCR? __
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?
Yes __ No __
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
Yes __ No __
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
Yes __ No __
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
Yes __ No __
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
Yes __ No __
26. Is the machine on fire?
Yes __ Not Yet __
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
Yes __
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The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
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Programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
Son: "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"
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The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name.
I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
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Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
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project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
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Question: Definition of an upgrade?
Answer: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Question: What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Answer: Chips.
Question: How is the new iMac like a woman?
Answer: Neither one will take a 3 1/2 inch floppy and they both like a big hard drive.
Question: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Answer: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Question: Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Answer: Because it is below C level.
Question: What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
Answer: A virus does something.
Question: Why is sex like software?
Answer: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.
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